Validate Their Thinking – The Key to Building a Bridge, Not a Wall

May 22

It starts like this:

You ask your teen why they didn’t turn in their assignment. They say, “It was stupid. The teacher didn’t even explain it right.”
You want to scream. You know this is irrational. You know they’re making excuses. And your adult brain wants to leap in, correct them, and lay down the law.

But here’s the secret no one told us before we became parents of teenagers:

You don’t have to agree with them to validate them.

Validation isn’t approval. It’s acknowledgment. It’s saying, “I see where you’re coming from.”
And for a teenager feeling misunderstood, invalidated, or constantly “talked at,” that one small shift can change everything.

You’re Not Alone

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation with your teen thinking, “Why won’t they listen to me?” — welcome. You are in the vast company of millions of good parents doing their best.

Teenagers push boundaries. They test logic. They argue passionately, often with half-baked ideas.
But what they crave most isn’t a counterpoint. It’s a partner in their growing process — someone who says, “I see you. I get that this is how you see the world right now.”

Validation is one of the most powerful tools for creating that partnership.

What Does It Mean to Validate Their Thinking?

Validating your adolescent’s thinking means letting them know their thoughts make sense given their current experience, emotions, or knowledge.
It’s saying:

“That’s a fair point.”
“I can understand why you’d feel that way.”
“You’re seeing it through your lens — and that’s okay.”

You’re not agreeing with what they said — you’re acknowledging why they might think that way. And that’s a big difference.

Why Validation Works

Validation hits at the heart of three things every adolescent needs:

Autonomy – “Let me figure it out.”
Respect – “Don’t treat me like a little kid.”
Connection – “But still be here with me when I need you.”

When you validate your teen’s thoughts, you communicate:
“You’re smart. You’re capable. I trust that your thinking — even when it’s incomplete — deserves attention.”

The 3 Essential Aspects of Validating Their Thinking

1. Acknowledging Logic or Intent

Let’s say your teen wants to drop out of band because “it’s pointless” and “no one takes it seriously.”

You might want to scream: “You can’t just quit everything that frustrates you!”

But instead, you pause. You breathe. You say:

“It sounds like it’s been hard to stay motivated when it feels like others aren’t giving it their all.”

This doesn’t mean you agree with quitting. It means you’re recognizing the thought behind the emotion.

Why It’s Important:
Because when teens feel like their reasoning is dismissed, they shut down. But when they feel understood, they open up.

How It Helps:
It creates a path for collaborative problem-solving instead of combative standoffs.

2. Avoiding Immediate Correction or Judgment

Imagine your teen says, “You never listen to me.”
Your instinct might be to defend: “That’s not true! I always listen!”

Instead, consider saying:

“It sounds like I missed something important to you. Tell me what you needed me to hear.”

You’re not admitting guilt. You’re keeping the conversation open — not shutting it down with a rebuttal.

Why It’s Important:
Correcting too soon feels invalidating — like you’re more interested in being “right” than being connected.

How It Helps:
It builds credibility and trust — and makes your teen more likely to consider your perspective later.

3. Matching Emotional Tone

Let’s say your daughter is furious about a group project gone wrong. “I did everything! And now we all get a bad grade? That’s so unfair!”

You may think: Life isn’t fair — get used to it.

But validation sounds like:

“I’d be really upset too if I worked hard and my group didn’t. That does sound unfair.”

You're not feeding the outrage. You’re acknowledging the emotional logic behind it.

Why It’s Important:
It makes your teen feel emotionally seen — not belittled or brushed off.

How It Helps:
When teens feel emotionally matched, they calm down. Their nervous systems relax. They become ready to listen.

Three Practical Tips for Daily Use

Use “That makes sense” language regularly.
Examples:
- “I can see how you got there.”
- “That’s a fair thought.”
- “Given what you knew, I’d probably think the same.”
Bite your tongue (for now).
Validation doesn’t mean you don’t guide later. It just means you don’t lead with correction.
Check in with empathy.
Ask: “What’s the hardest part about this for you?” It signals you want to understand, not control.

Three Action Steps to Try This Week

Pick one conversation to just reflect, not correct.
Next time your teen vents, say nothing for the first minute. Nod. Reflect. Don’t fix.
Validate small stuff first.
If your teen says, “This class is so boring,” respond with:
“Yeah, sitting through something that doesn’t interest you is tough.”
Write down 3 go-to validation phrases.
Keep them in your pocket — literally or mentally. Use them when your emotions get high and words get tricky.

What Happens When You Validate Their Thinking?

They calm down.
When teens feel validated, they feel safe — and emotional safety turns down the volume on drama.
They listen more.
Ironically, when they feel heard, they become more open to hearing you.
They make better decisions.
Teens who feel their thinking is respected are more likely to engage in healthy critical thinking — and less likely to react defensively or rebel impulsively.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

If you’ve ever thought, “I just don’t know how to talk to my kid anymore” — please know that’s a common, human thought. Parenting teens is messy, unpredictable, and sometimes heartbreaking. But it’s also an extraordinary opportunity.

Validation doesn’t mean giving up control. It means giving up control of the moment — so you can gain connection for the long term.

Key Takeaway

Validating your adolescent’s thinking tells them: “Your mind matters. Your perspective has value. I’m here with you, not above you.”
And that message — delivered over time — lays the foundation for mutual respect, ongoing communication, and a lifelong relationship rooted in empathy, not authority.

Pat Bass